5 Ways Christian Parents Exasperate Their Children
There is a simple and deadly serious command to parents, specifically to dads, found in Paul’s letter to the Colossians that I’d like to focus briefly on in today’s post. The verse is Colossians 3:21 and it reads, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (NASB).
Such a simple command, and yet so serious.
In this portion of Colossians 3, the Apostle Paul is helping Christians understand what it means to live under the Lordship of Christ in their earthly relationships, and at home in particular. In Colossians 3:17, he tells us that we are to do “everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,” and beginning in 3:18 he expands upon what he means by the word “everything.” Everything means even the things we do at home. And so, in rapid-fire succession, Paul instructs the Colossian Christians to honor Christ in the way they live as wives, husbands, children, parents, slaves, and slave-masters, respectively.
It is in that rapid-fire instruction that fathers receive one simple command, which is, “Do not exasperate your children.” Or as other translations prefer, “Do not provoke your children.”
The word translated exasperate or provoke here means essentially to stimulate someone toward either good or evil, depending on context. Here the idea is stimulating children toward evil. Provoking them to sin. Frustrating them to such a degree that it makes them tired of the faith which we profess and lacking the motivation to take our Lord seriously.
More specifically, this simple verse calls fathers to avoid living in such a way that it makes our children resent Christ; to avoid provoking them to bitterness toward Christ.
How do we do that, dads (and moms!)? What are some of the ways we can exasperate our children? I will share five ways here that I’ve learned from my own sinful practices and experience.
1) We exasperate our kids by giving them the law without the Gospel.
Law-heavy parenting is a serious danger for every Christian parent. When the only words we use with our kids are imperatives; when we issue commands without encouragement; when we administer discipline without warmth and restoration; when we give out harsh consequences for disobedience and show little patience with them; when we are only happy with them and kind to them when they are obeying us – we provoke our children to resent Christ, because we lead them to believe that the way to blessing (whether from us or from God) is the way of their obedience.
Yet this is utterly untrue. The way to God’s blessing is not the way of their obedience, but the way of trusting in Christ alone. So, what every Christian ought to want for their children more than their dutiful law-keeping, is their humble sin-confessing faith in Jesus. Only Jesus can save them from sin and death and only Jesus can make them truly obedient to God.
It’s not that our kids do not need the law of God. They absolutely do. God’s law is one of the chief means by which our kids will come to know that they are sinners in need of Christ the Savior (Galatians 3:19-22). But what this means is that the law is not an end in and of itself. The law is a means, first of all, for helping our children see their sin and their need for a Savior. If we give them the law, without pointing them to the Savior, we are merely provoking them to reject him - no matter what good little boys and girls they may be or become.
Many children comply to law-heavy parenting, at least for a time. But these kids often grow up to turn from Christ, either because they come to believe they are too good to need a Savior, or too bad to be saved by one.
2) We exasperate our kids through constant critique.
We parents tend to be very skilled at pointing out the foolishness and immaturity of our children. We see their sins much more easily than we see our own. A skill that most of us probably would do well to develop, however, is the skill of knowing what expressions of foolishness actually need our critique and which ones simply need our patience and prayer. Parents are nowhere commanded by God to point out and criticize every foolish choice our children make. Does the Lord do that with us? If he did, what effect would that have upon us? Do we enjoy it when others do that to us? Does it push us to Christ or make us discouraged? Consider these things when you’re tempted to try to take up residence between your child’s two ears. Choose your battles wisely, parents. Point out the bigger sins to your kids and point out more of the little things merely to the Lord in prayer. No one thrives under the critical thumb of another; not you and not your children.
3) We exasperate our kids by seeking to have too much control over their lives.
I’ve met many children (some of whom are now adults) who had over-controlling parents. Some might call them over-protective. Parents who fail to give their children appropriate freedoms on a regular basis often cultivate in the hearts of their children a desire to be free from all authority, parental or otherwise. When we try to control our kids, especially when it comes to non-moral types of decisions, we teach them to long for the day when they are free from our instruction, and in the worst of cases, free from our faith and free from our Lord. If our faith in Christ leads us to be domineering over our children, they can easily begin to see Christ himself as a domineering kill-joy, and grow increasingly disinterested in him over time. So, let ‘em live, parents! Teach them to take responsibility for their own choices; don’t try to make their choices for them (especially as they grow older). Seek to woo them with the Gospel; don’t suffocate them with it.
4) We exasperate our kids through our own spiritual hypocrisy.
Honestly, I tend to think that at least 50% of biblical parenting is about living lives of authentic trust in and dependence upon Jesus. Being a Christian parent is first about living as a genuine Christian. Nothing turns a child off to the Gospel more than spiritual hypocrisy. Our lives at church and in public should match our lives at home. If you’re not the real deal, spiritually speaking, you shouldn’t expect them to respect you as a spiritual leader; and you shouldn’t expect them to think very highly of your Jesus.
And I’m not talking about perfection here. You’re not perfect and won’t be anything near perfect until Jesus himself perfects you in the Resurrection. I’m talking about being real, authentic, and un-pretentious in the way you live out your faith in Christ. This will be as impactful to your kids (if not moreso) than anything you will teach them.
5) We exasperate our kids through our failure to confess our own sins.
If we never confess our need for God’s grace to our kids, how could we ever expect them to think very highly of it themselves? If it is only their sins that are discussed in our homes, we are bound to frustrate them and provoke them to resent the Lord. We parents need to be the lead repenters in our homes. Dads, we especially need to work on this! No one should more readily acknowledge their need for God’s grace in a Christian family than the parents of that family, and nothing makes Christ look more relevant to a child than a parent who is honest and transparent about his ongoing daily need for Christ. What use is a Savior to them who is of little use to us? And what can show our need for him more than transparency (with discretion) about our own ongoing struggle with sin can?
These are simply a few of the ways I believe that we parents are prone to exasperate our children. What are some other ways we do this? Feel free to add wisdom to this post in the comments below.
